InsaneJournal

It Was in the Wasn't

It wasn't in the way he looked at him. It was in the way he didn't look at him. Didn't look at him as if he had not yet been absolved of his sins. Looked at him without either pity or reverence, but with the calm his eyes were known for. Not even with acceptance, but with healthy indifference.

It wasn't that he didn't argue with him. It was in the way that he argued with him. The old man was subservient to no one's plans. He knew best, and even when he did not, he made the other man feel as if he damn well did. He was the hand of discipline, something he knew the other man was in need of. He was the voice of reason, and the heart of logical optimism.

Yet, it wasn't in the way that he pressed on. It was in the way that he waited. Backing off was near-erotic in its effects on the younger, sometimes-vulnerable man. It was in the way he let go of instincts that told him to protect the younger man. It wasn't in the way he sometimes stepped in, like some cliché, some cruel mockery of a knight in garishly-colored armor. He couldn't always avoid this and still be in the right, but when he could it was a good thing indeed. Waiting for the younger man to solve his own problems, come to terms with things, was the best thing he could do to show he cared.

It wasn't in the closeness of their interactions. It was in the distance maintained. This distance put the younger man's soul at ease. He wasn't used to being close to anyone.

It was never in the gifts he sometimes received, no matter how thoughtful or extravagant. It was in the way the old man made it clear he would not accept anything the younger gave to him in return. Equal? No, not equal. But he reveled in this imbalance. It made him, yes, feel special and prized, as he was meant to feel.

It was in the passionate love-making. It wasn't in the trite kisses that the younger man ignored. He found love in the intense feelings, the loss of control, but not in the intimacy of a kiss.

It wasn't in the kindness the man displayed, or the carefulness in which he tread the tightrope of their unorthodox relationship. It was in the complete sinfulness of the fact that the old man was mating with another man less than a third of his age. This sin was familiar to the younger man, it was to him a beautiful thing, their coupling, if mainly because it caused frowns of disapproval.

It wasn't that the old man was a mentor. It was that the old man was a child.