InsaneJournal

Mandey Smith

Dr. Shane

HL150

05 February 2008

Who Am I?

            When I was in the fourth grade, I was teased so much I begged not to go to school in the morning. That never really worked out that well for me, staying home. My mom wouldn't let me. And, plus, she didn't know. We moved during that school year—isn't that lucky?

My friends in fifth grade were all a great deal younger than me except for one, and I was embarrassed by her "nerdiness". I made a friend my age in sixth grade too, but ended up following her around like an annoying little lackey. She eventually broke off the friendship.

Seventh grade was sheer hell. Who can adequately prepare for it? Junior high did not go well for me at all. I had a new friend, but when the two of us were joking about 9/11 (not very smart, but seventh graders don't do the smartest things), I was the only one told on and I got OSS for it. Later on in the year, I threatened that friend, and we didn't make up until two years later.

I was anxious. If I went to the mall, I thought everyone was looking at me. I would freak out. I even had a couple anxiety attacks in school. I was also depressed. I was extremely hard to get along with at home. I had to journal for English and my journals bred concern with the staff. I wanted to die.

I had been seeing a counselor since maybe the third grade, and I had a couple different ones in seventh grade. I felt so alone it hurt. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I also felt bad about myself, trying more than a couple dieting techniques, and even skipping meals entirely sometimes. I hated showing up in the lunchroom only to sit alone.

I was so afraid of the large number of people in my Sunday school class at College Church of the Nazarene that I skipped it every week. One time, I went to my grandmother's church with her and, man, it was such a huge improvement that I never went back to College Church with its large crowds. Gardner Church of the Nazarene is still my church. It's just the right size. Though, nowadays, I'm sure I could deal with large crowds much more easily.

One of my only solaces at school was Q.U.E.S.T. class, a gifted program. I had been in Q.U.E.S.T. since the third grade, and having it in seventh grade was incredibly important.

In the eighth grade, things were looking a little better. I was still more or less alone, though. I was asked out maybe 8 times, but I never thought anyone was serious, so I ignored them all. I even made a boy cry by doing that. I certainly hadn't meant to.

Ninth grade was even better. I still was low on friends, but at least I had some. People more or less liked me at school. I mean, they didn't hate me. I took part in a play, "Annie", and made up with that friend from seventh grade who I threatened.

I was failing Geometry and Biology. It didn't feel like I had to be serious about freshman year because it was in the same building as my seventh and eighth grade years. Luckily, I had generous teachers who let me get off with D's.

When we had to write about ourselves in English class, I couldn't bring myself to do half of the assignments. My teacher was understanding and I passed that class as well. I was very good at the assignments that weren't writing assignments, and I still have the prologue to "Romeo and Juliet" memorized.

My favorite class was choir, and while I was still shy about things, it was a confidence booster. I also felt less overwhelmed in band and more like I had a place. It also helped not having to have a P.E. class. I had an amazing year in Q.U.E.S.T., getting to draw pictures and write poetry. In fact, I got to do that all my years of junior high. It really helped me get some of my emotions out.

Over spring break, my brother finally came to live with us. He's adopted and is exactly, to the day, 3 years younger than I am. We didn't have a great start. We, really, had a terrible start. It's only very recently that we've finally begun to accept each other. But, hey, at least we've gotten somewhere, right?

That summer, I did P.E. so that I could take choir and band at the same time. I was growing more and more into myself. That was also when I started Harry Potter RPing (role-playing), which also helped me as a person. I met great online friends and had an outlet for my love of Harry Potter besides simply writing fanfiction.

The best aspect of starting my sophomore year was that I was going to a high school all the way across town. I was going for one of the 21st Century Programs, but that way, I could get away from people that had teased me in fourth grade and still didn't like me. In marching band camp, before school even started, was where I met Éowyn.

Éowyn Jackson became my best friend. She was kind of nerdy, but so was I. I had a boyfriend for a couple weeks. I made friends in band, which was a very important institution in my high school, and I made friends on the school bus. My house was half an hour away, so it was the first time I ever really had to ride the bus. One bus friend who was also in band, though, I ignored after a while, thinking he was creepy. Eventually, though, he became one of the best friends I've ever had.

Éowyn is crazy. But that's alright. At least we had fun. We did things like serenade people in the courtyard at lunch, or sometimes she'd sit on top of the band lockers, or hide in them, and she was late to everything, and she was forgetful, but man did she make me feel better about myself. Especially because she just didn't give a rip what people thought of her.  

That winter of sophomore year I took one of those harmless surveys on the internet on a female friend's Xanga and on the question that asked "Have you ever had a crush on me?" I said yes. That winter I got to thinking more and more about bisexuality. My ex considered himself to be bisexual at that point too. The adult friends I had suggested that sexuality was in the mind and could be chosen. For a while, I went with this thought.

We figured out I was bipolar as well as depressed, anxious, etc. My meds were doing a better and better job at helping me live my life to the fullest. We had a band trip at the end of sophomore year and it was great. D.C. is beautiful. I loved seeing the sights we viewed. I got to hang out with Chad (the friend from the bus and band) and Éowyn a lot. I almost got to meet an online friend named Kate there too (with my mother's permission), but she couldn't get a ride to D.C. (she lived in Annapolis, MD).

Things continued to go up and up. My second relationship with a boyfriend, the next year, lasted only a month. We were really just friends. There was this girl, a girl in our group of friends who lied a lot and confused the hell out of me. She had a crush on me, in retrospect (the evidence is fairly irrefutable), but was so insecure she wouldn't admit to it except very slyly, making sure her ass was covered.

I had little debates over Christianity and politics with my parents throughout the year. Halfway through the year I had my "I'm gay" epiphany. I know, at 16? Shouldn't I have known before? In March, my online friend Kate became my girlfriend. We had always flirted with each other, underneath the surface. We had even joked about running away together. That year for her birthday I sent her an awesome Super Mario Bros. necklace I made.

HPANA, a site dedicated to discussion of Harry Potter, provided a safety net of warmth and care that I couldn't have done without. We had a group called the High Wizard Court, and our talks were intellectually and emotionally satisfying. Without their support of homosexuality, I don't think I would have accepted that I was gay.

That summer I broke my arm. While that was a real downer, senior year was great. I stopped shaving, which was liberating. I started the year off with "PRIDE" written on my backpack next to a rainbow, though I was always certain never to let my parents see it.

My parents aren't stupid, though, and one day on the way to school I was asked, "Do you think you like girls?" After the most awkward silence ever, I said yes. Not that my silence hadn't been confirmation enough. He just shrugged it off (this was amazing to me, as a few weeks before, he had absolutely flipped out on me when I answered his "It'll be great to be able to shave again, won't it?" with the fact that I didn't really want to). Anyway, he later brought me out to a desolate parking lot to sit and chat about his feelings.

He said he'd try to accept anyone I brought home, based on character not gender, but that they wouldn't be allowed at any family get-togethers. Well, it was better than I expected. But still, I think very often about the fact that, while my sisters can express interest in a waiter at a restaurant, I can't do the same about a waitress, and that while my sister Sam's boyfriend has a stocking at our house, I don't know how they would treat a girlfriend of mine.

So . . . senior year. We had another band trip, this time in the fall rather than the spring, and during it I decided that Éowyn and I were growing apart and that I was becoming closer to John, another friend from band.

The fact that Éowyn and I were growing apart became even more apparent when I became concerned over something I shouldn't have and I realized that I treated her more or less like a daughter rather than a friend. That's not healthy. We decided to stay friends, just not best friends.

John quickly moved into the role of best friend. Very quickly. I didn't continue taking band the next semester, having grown tired of it, but John and I sat together at lunch, so it didn't matter. Where with Éowyn I had eventually felt obligation, I just felt pure joy being around John. I collected an anthology of my poetry in Q.U.E.S.T. totaling 170-some poems.

College has been incredible so far. I may have been dumped by an online girlfriend just days before my birthday, and I may be somewhat lonely, but I've gained so much self-confidence. I feel like a new me. I don't mind eating alone in the cafeteria at all now. I'm perfectly content. Things I would have hidden before, like a love I harbor for Hannah Montana and for Pokémon, I now freely embrace.

My main social interaction is online (big surprise there). But that doesn't faze me. See, I figure that I'm just preparing myself for adulthood when the options will be more limited. I still have friends, and I still hang out with people my age, real, living people, but I love writing and reading fanfiction. I owe a lot to J.K. Rowling's universe, if I'm honest with myself. A lot.

I notice some of the same problems I had in seventh grade in my sister Elizabeth, who is there now, if not to the same extent. I try to be there for her as much as possible. I love her so much. I can't even begin to describe how much she means to me. I've realized that friends may come and go, but she's going to be my friend forever.

Six years ago, I couldn't even have tried to support someone else, in anything, really. Now, I can shine, and help others to see their light too.